Wait...What? Ricky Martin's Gay?

The general public have a gaydar comparable to that of Queen Victoria.  The long dead Empress once proclaimed that 'women think no such thing' and refused to recognise the concept of lesbianism.  Or so the legend goes.

It's always the same.  Obviously gay celebrity starts losing popularity and he very publicly comes out of the closet.  Quelle surprise!  

Ricky Martin has sensationally emerged from the closet as a 'fortunate homosexual man'.  I think that means that his boyfriend's got a big knob.

There have been cries from all over the world along the lines of 'Ricky Martin's gay, who'd a thunk it?'.  Well, me, all of my mates, every gay man in the village and even that blind, homeless guy who cuts Gordon Brown's hair.  

I even went to a Hare Krishna temple a couple of months ago and one of the monks was tearing up a Ricky Martin poster, referring to him as a 'fucking chutney ferret'.  Awful.

Anyway, on with my list...

• George Michael.  Yup, we all knew.  In those days of gender line-blurring we knew Georgie loved the cock.  He sang those love songs with a little too much conviction, as anyone with half a brain knows that men only say that shit to get into a bird's knickers.  

• Rob Halford.  I was guilty of completely missing the boat on this one.  The lead singer of Judas Priest, one of the most macho and influential metal bands of all time.  The leather pants, song names like Turbo Lover and Ram It Down, and the fact that he looks like an old queen.  None of these clued me in, but then again I'm not that interested in the sex lives of musicians I like.  I understand now how he got his inspiration for all those high pitched screams. 

• Steven Gately.  I knew this right away.  He was in a boy band.  Ergo, he is gay.  I'd be shocked if one of them was straight.

There's bound to be more gay men in the performing arts I suppose.  When I was at school I scoffed at doing drama classes or singing and the boys that did we would push to the ground and laugh scornfully.  Only when it was too late did I realise that those boys were getting loads of chicks on the back of being all sensitive and arty.  

At this juncture I would like to point out that homophobia is in fact a sure sign that you are a homosexual.  If you are concerned about where another man puts his winkie, enough to become emotional about it, you're probably only fooling yourself.

I personally have always been very glad of all the gays around the place.  Less competition.